Why does passion fade in a couple? How do I fix it?

Do you miss the fireworks that filled the room during your first encounters with your partner? Has much of the enthusiasm for sex diminished, and you don’t understand why? Is there still love, but the “spark” no longer ignites a fire?

While this is a problem that almost all relationships face at some point, it is also true that eroticism doesn’t have to have an expiration date, and for physical, mental, and emotional health, no one should settle for a mediocre sex life. 

It is perfectly possible to rekindle the flame of passion, but to do so, we must stop viewing sex as something that can only occur satisfactorily in a spontaneous and ideal way, and start interpreting it as one of the important areas of the relationship that we can cultivate and improve with diligence, consistency, and practice. 

Why does passion fade in a couple?

In her best seller Erotic Intelligence, sexuality psychologist Esther Perel states that all relationships change and evolve over time, which includes feelings, the type of communication, the level of trust, and, of course, the intimate life. 

Although many couples manage to maintain mutual erotic interest and enjoyment of the body and sex as part of their daily life together, they would also agree that encounters do not have the same passionate intensity as at the beginning of the relationship, and this is part of the healthy and normal maturation of sexual desire.

This is because as cohabitation with the same partner progresses, the hormonal chemistry in the part of our brain that directs romantic relationships also changes. In other words, we move from the excitement of the new to the security of the familiar.

In the first stage, everything feels much more intense, not only sexual pleasure but also insecurity, jealousy, and anger. In the second, everything gradually becomes more manageable, but at the same time, we begin to miss those nights that made us feel more alive, connected, and excited than ever.

When everything else in the relationship works properly and there is good communication, the couple finds ways to continue enjoying an intimate life to the fullest, because they do not rely exclusively on the hormonal cocktail of desire to connect and let fantasies fly. But if, in addition to the natural decline of sexual impulse, we must face additional difficulties that diminish our creativity, energy, and willingness, then erotic enjoyment begins to turn into a beautiful (and frustrating) memory that seems impossible to recover. 

External factors that affect desire in the couple

• Stress: When we are stressed by difficulties at work, financial issues, or family matters, the body releases a series of hormones that are direct antagonists of desire. 

• Lack of communication: We often feel embarrassed to express to our partner what we want in bed. Sometimes, we are not even clear about it because the lack of communication is with ourselves. 

• Lack of quality time: Work, children, and responsibilities can cause the couple not to have enough spaces of intimacy, tranquility, and calm.

• Routine: Routine is one of the worst enemies of sexual desire because it makes us take everything for granted with our partner and eliminates two fundamental factors in a healthy erotic life: curiosity and wonder. 
  
  

What to do when passion fades?

As we mentioned at the beginning, the fact that there are many reasons why the intensity of sexual life diminishes does not mean at all that it is impossible to regain desire. But it is not just about goodwill. We must tackle the problem at its roots. 

1.- Recover a positive relationship with the body 

We cannot expect someone to provide pleasure and care to our body if we cannot do it ourselves. Many times, conflicts in bed are a direct consequence of conflicts with our self-image or a disconnection with our basic needs. 

Before starting to resolve the issue as a couple, it is essential to conduct an introspective analysis that allows us to listen to ourselves; reconnect with our five senses and our fundamental right to pleasure. This, of course, includes giving ourselves more consent and not being afraid to self-explore physically, mentally, and emotionally, while also investing more time and discipline in taking care of our body through diet, good habits, and exercise.

2.- Let fantasies soar without fear 

We all think about sex. We all have fantasies that sometimes scare us. We all constantly deal with the fear of being judged if everyone finds out what we truly want to explore in bed. If we cannot trust her with our fantasies, then who?

Our sexual being is very vulnerable to rejection and almost never corresponds with our “ideal sexual being,” but the solution is not to eliminate this vulnerability by pretending we have no erotic needs, but rather to embrace it and establish channels of communication free from prejudice, because, besides, who decrees what is or isn’t “ideal”?

Daring to say what we want, allowing us to talk about sex often, and encouraging complicity instead of censoring our partner when they begin to express their sexuality are three good ways to start using fantasies to our advantage rather than against us. 

3.- Protect the spaces of intimacy

The famous specialist in sexual and affective relationships, Esther Perel, argues that sex is not something that is done but a place we enter. As such, we cannot expect sexuality to flow if there are elements that prevent us from entering that place of intimacy. Just as we prioritize work, taking care of children, and family interaction, exclusive intimacy spaces for the couple must be an important part of our routine.

4.- Explore new things

Helen Fisher, another eminent theorist of romantic relationships, indicates that erotic bonds are strengthened when two people live new experiences together, because that strengthens complicity, connection, and wonder: three elements that powerfully ignite sexual desire.

Therefore, daring to explore new things as a team, both inside and outside the bedroom, is an ingredient we cannot overlook if we want to see the fireworks in our bed again. 

It is not necessary to go on safari to Africa. Why not start doing something different this weekend? How about a relaxing couples massage at home with Zen to Go to break the routine?

5.- Foster mutual admiration

A study revealed that people never feel as attracted to their partner as when they are watching them do something they excel at. For example, if my partner is a professional chef, watching her cook with confidence and skill will likely make me feel a great attraction in that moment. 

Admiration is another catalyst for desire. And for our partner to admire us, we must make a conscious effort to be better each day at what we love and also in pursuing our life goals.

Again, we realize that self-care and a certain dose of well-focused selfishness is precisely what allows us to meet our essential needs so that we can build an ideal romantic space. 

At Zen to Go, we love to share relevant information with you that fosters a healthy balance in all aspects of your life. We also want you to know that you have immediate access to all the benefits of a relaxing professional massage. Alone or as a couple, treat yourself to this wellness experience today.